Man Tweets detailed account of how his privacy was invaded

Rick Sturridge, self-described full-time film extra and part-time blogger from Stockton-on-Trent, has taken to Twitter to show his outrage at recent high-profile privacy breaches he says have irreparably damaged his public profile. 

"How dare the gov wanna tap my phone?! Now how can I enjoy sexting people properly? #nofreedom #1984" 

The subsequent tweets, which provided detailed information about Mr Sturridge's address and postcode, as well as a screengrab of his driver's licence and a list of foods to which he's allergic, cannot be shown on this blog for legal reasons, but can be found here - www.twitter.com/udontnowhoyourmessinwith 

Nevertheless, he did go on to enlighten his followers as to his general position on the privacy debate: 

"Nun of these "leeks" have effected me "directly" but they HAVE directly impositioned on me thusly FORCING me to comment on the subjects". 

Mr Sturridge complained that whistleblowers like Edward Snowden and organisations such as The Guardian: 

"should just F off with with Justin Bieber to North Korea where they can say whatever they want"

"…..for all I care. #Loljoks." 

It is unclear whether the second part of the message was added to make it look as if Mr Sturridge was being hyperbolic or as an attempt to give himself a reprieve from the death threats he was receiving from hardcore Beliebers. Either way, his account has now been deactivated by Twitter to the great consternation of his 17 followers and fans of irony worldwide.

Sacking Managers Is Good For The Game

The general consensus is that too many managers are fired too often and too early in the season. As is often the case, the general consensus is wrong.

In the current employment market one feels instant sympathy for anyone losing their job but do sacked Premier League managers have it that bad? They are invariably given a handsome severance package irrespective of performance and can sometimes land a similar position not long after getting the boot. 

A great example of this is Andre Villas-Boas, whose sacking yesterday has predictably divided opinion amongst Spurs supporters. Daniel Levy's decision to make AVB the fifth Premier League manager to be shown the door so far this season is indicative of a long-established trend in the top flight of booting head coaches before they've had time to decide on their favourite local takeaway but is there method behind the madness of establishing a new regime so early on in the season?

AVB feared the worst when he spotted Fabio Capello signing things in the crowd. Also it was 5-0 again.

Crystal Palace co-chairman Steve Parish gave a terrific interview on Sky Sports News the other day in which he extolled the virtues of refreshing the managerial position. Inter alia, he cited the renewed optimism it grants out-of-favour players, the clean slate it provides those with axes to grind and the dynamism that a fresh training approach can offer.

A new manager brought in prior to the January transfer window gives the chariman an opportunity to give the squad an MOT, trimming the fat and adding depth or quality where needed in order to implement his new style.

Spurs' previous manager Martin Jol watched his Fulham team consistently produce lacklustre performances early this season, epitomised by Berbatov's ineffectiveness in front of goal and coupled with an apparently infectious dearth of desire and belief. The new man, Meulensteen, in fact had his first game against The Lillywhites, who were lucky to take three points thanks to two wonder goals from outside the area - despite the result, Fulham looked invigorated under the ex-Man Utd coach and totally dominated Tottenham for most of the game, with theoretical star man Berbatov looking lively and unfortunate not to grab a hat-trick. The next game they beat Villa convincingly 2-0 to record their first win in 7 games and Berbatov is now scoring again (admittedly, though, they are only penalties).

Meanwhile Crystal Palace look a different team without Ian Holloway - back to back wins against West Ham and Cardiff, as well as all three of their clean sheets this term, have come since Tony Pulis took over and they look as if they may even stave off relegation now.

Recycling managers: Good for the environment?

You have to go a long way to find someone who's a big fan of Paulo Di Canio and you might not want to start in Sunderland. Following his departure the Black Cats have beaten arch-rivals Newcastle and Man City in their first wins of the season.

Don't bet against Spurs and West Brom to turn around their poor form and climb the table in the coming weeks - and stop feeling sorry for teams and managers who part ways half way through the season - maybe the grass is greener when you change sides.

Polling Proves Itself to be Important

A recent poll conducted by www.polls_matter.gov has showed that 98% of those who participate in online polls respond to internet polling adverts. The remaining 2% forgot to fill the relevant section in.

A simultaneous offline poll, staffed exclusively by postgraduates who couldn't make it as 'chuggers' (charity muggers), clarified that 72/73 of those who stop in the street to talk to someone with a clipboard are likely to either be unemployed, students or students who aspire to be unemployed. Unsurprisingly, 100% favour government subsidies for alcoholic miniatures, poorly-organised ski trips and daytime TV.

One victim of the offline poll remarked that "Deal or No Deal desperately needs an overhaul", citing Noel Edmunds' shirts as the reason they had been forced to leave the house that day.

99.7%, an alarmingly high and mathematically improbably percentage given the number of participants, said that they were wary of inaccuracies in data produced by polls but stood steadfastly behind the principle that other people found their views interesting, even if it was totally anonymised and the opinions provided were defined to multiple choice. Of those who found themselves interesting, 50% considered their Facebook profile to be the best showcase of their talents, whereas 51% claimed Twitter made them look most interesting.

Experts say polls may be less accurate than just guessing

The Cloud Quits

The Cloud, which has recently complained of suffering from severe stress due to an increased workload, has emphatically resigned its role as the etheric information portal of the internet.

According to sources close to The Cloud, its initial briefing did not disclose the full extent of how onerous and nauseating the job would become. Supposedly, an unforeseeably high volume of duck-face selfies, objectively boring foodie instagrams and self-indulgent Facebook statuses have overloaded the system, causing the previously coveted position as the world's largest online databank to become untenable. 

Certain images are harder to handle than others

It is not yet known whom or what will be lined up as The Cloud's replacement. Some pundits have suggested Stephen Fry for the role, whilst various technology experts are tipping a return to the now totally obsolete practice of storing digital information on portable USB devices small enough to be swallowed by a cockroach.

The Cloud could not be reached for comment but was reportedly overheard storming off muttering "I didn't sign up for this shit" under its breath.

Diet Coke - The Best Thing For You?

A recent study by the University of Stencilvania has shown that, contrary to every previous study ever, Diet Coke is not in fact bad for you. The experiment, which has run for eleven years and during which 1,200 students, 678 unemployed barristers and 27 people walking down the street who had nothing better to do were polled, shows that Diet Coke is imperically good for you in that it tastes nice and wakes you up a bit.

One participant notably remarked, "Water is rubbish - and now that juice is fattening and coffee is trendy again, we're left with little choice really, aren't we?"

The spokesperson for the SBSB (Super Brainy Scientific Bunch), a board of scientists that has perennially criticised Diet Coke for containing a high concentration of additives such as Aspartame, claims the organisation is "very embarrassed indeed" and will now concentrate all of its efforts on debunking the myth that milk prevents those little bits of white appearing on your fingernails.

Diet Coke's taste is said to be linked directly to to how it feels to drink it

What Grinds My Gears Vol. 1

Number 10

I’ve always maintained that it’s well within a commentator’s rights to say a few inane things. It must be tricky to go a full ninety minutes without saying at least one boring thing and I can sympathise with that. What I can’t abide is when a phrase that is clearly erroneous is parroted so frequently that it becomes embedded in the vernacular of the sport. The question of whether ‘daylight ‘ exists between players being a pre-requisite for offside comes to mind as a total invention of football analysts. This was never the rule, nor should it be, but for years pundits harped on about the need for daylight, oblivious to the fact that it was utterly irrelevant.

What’s really in vogue now, though, is the phrase “number 10”: “Mata is a great number 10”; “Rooney is more of a number 10 than ever”; “Spurs seem to have ten number 10s on the pitch.”

But hang on a minute - Where does Messi supposedly play, because it would appear to be absolutely everywhere? Should Jack Wilshere be playing ‘in the hole’ because he’s number 10 for Arsenal? Is he out of position every week? Should someone tell Stoke to stop playing attacking midfielders until they give one the number 10 shirt? Are Edin Dzeko and Emanuel Adebayor (number 10s for Manchester City and Spurs) not two of the most archetypal power forwards in the league? The numbers on the back of players shirts don’t dictate how or where they play; managers do. 

Noone had a go at Thierry Henry for wearing 14 and RVP reportedly chose number 20 to spur him on to win United’s 20^th league title. Yet commentators insist on using the phrase  “number 10” to describe a particular type of playmaker. What’s most frustrating is that sometimes, according to this paradigm, a number 10 is a defence splitting midfield maestro, playing just behind the front line, like Mata or Coutinho and others he is a forward who drops deep to involve himself in build up play, like Aguero or Robbie Keane. The phrase “number 10” to describe almost any attacking player needs discarding into a graveyard along with “YOLO”, “Bieber Fever” and “it’s always in the last place you look.” Of course it is – after that you stop looking.  

Film (P)Review: Gravity

I should probably start by letting you know that I haven’t actually seen this film. This review is actually more a reasoning behind why I’m not going to watch it. Based on reviews I’ve read, the trailer and anecdotal evidence of friends who’ve seen it, I am entirely sure that I have no desire to sit through this $100 million dollar critically acclaimed Hollywood Blockbuster. Here’s why -

First of all, if I wanted to watch an objectively attractive woman whom I don't find subjectively attractive (Sandra Bullock) spin around for two hours panting and moaning, I’d put my sister-in-law on a carousel without her travel sickness medication.

I also object to the notion that because this movie is expensive and in 3D, it is a “must-see”. Yes the visual effects are probably stunning, yes George Clooney is dreamy in a spacesuit, but I’m yet to see a 3D film (apart from Avatar – the exception that proves the rule) wherein the 3D actually added to my enjoyment. Instead the 3D specs, which I have to prop over my existing four eyes, darken the screen, killing contrast, masking detail and dulling the visuals in general. What’s more, most 3D films (admittedly not including Gravity) are not in fact originally shot with 3D cameras but are actually painstakingly doctored post-shoot by the visual effects crew. In Thor 2, for example, a purportedly meaningful clip of pidgeons scattering in Greenwich provides the only fragment that remotely involves 3D.

In Gravity, the 3D is allegedly used to provide depth rather than project hallucinations of debris hurling out of the screen.  This is laudable but the main aspect of this film that people seemed to enjoy was the disorientating nature of the cinematography. I don’t want to be disoriented. I’m likely in the minority here but I hate roller coasters. Originally this stemmed from a deathly fear of pissing my pants in public but later in life I realised that I’m quite happy with four feet planted on the ground and the constituent parts of my body pointing in one direction at a time. The prospect of sitting in a dark auditorium with eighty popcorn-chomping strangers, feeling as if I’m about to either implode or whirl off into nothingness whilst trying to remember which of Newton’s laws it is that’s bringing about my demise is one I dread and will do my best to avoid – even if I have to watch the Counsellor or something equally awful.