Man Tweets detailed account of how his privacy was invaded

Rick Sturridge, self-described full-time film extra and part-time blogger from Stockton-on-Trent, has taken to Twitter to show his outrage at recent high-profile privacy breaches he says have irreparably damaged his public profile. 

"How dare the gov wanna tap my phone?! Now how can I enjoy sexting people properly? #nofreedom #1984" 

The subsequent tweets, which provided detailed information about Mr Sturridge's address and postcode, as well as a screengrab of his driver's licence and a list of foods to which he's allergic, cannot be shown on this blog for legal reasons, but can be found here - www.twitter.com/udontnowhoyourmessinwith 

Nevertheless, he did go on to enlighten his followers as to his general position on the privacy debate: 

"Nun of these "leeks" have effected me "directly" but they HAVE directly impositioned on me thusly FORCING me to comment on the subjects". 

Mr Sturridge complained that whistleblowers like Edward Snowden and organisations such as The Guardian: 

"should just F off with with Justin Bieber to North Korea where they can say whatever they want"

"…..for all I care. #Loljoks." 

It is unclear whether the second part of the message was added to make it look as if Mr Sturridge was being hyperbolic or as an attempt to give himself a reprieve from the death threats he was receiving from hardcore Beliebers. Either way, his account has now been deactivated by Twitter to the great consternation of his 17 followers and fans of irony worldwide.

Polling Proves Itself to be Important

A recent poll conducted by www.polls_matter.gov has showed that 98% of those who participate in online polls respond to internet polling adverts. The remaining 2% forgot to fill the relevant section in.

A simultaneous offline poll, staffed exclusively by postgraduates who couldn't make it as 'chuggers' (charity muggers), clarified that 72/73 of those who stop in the street to talk to someone with a clipboard are likely to either be unemployed, students or students who aspire to be unemployed. Unsurprisingly, 100% favour government subsidies for alcoholic miniatures, poorly-organised ski trips and daytime TV.

One victim of the offline poll remarked that "Deal or No Deal desperately needs an overhaul", citing Noel Edmunds' shirts as the reason they had been forced to leave the house that day.

99.7%, an alarmingly high and mathematically improbably percentage given the number of participants, said that they were wary of inaccuracies in data produced by polls but stood steadfastly behind the principle that other people found their views interesting, even if it was totally anonymised and the opinions provided were defined to multiple choice. Of those who found themselves interesting, 50% considered their Facebook profile to be the best showcase of their talents, whereas 51% claimed Twitter made them look most interesting.

Experts say polls may be less accurate than just guessing